Compassion on My Humanity

Dear Kate,

Tonight my life was written in the cards, the cards in Apples to Apples Junior that is. We sometimes pretend that the cards we win in this game describe us. While my family was gathering cards praising them as amazing, talented, bright, entertaining and gentle, my hand was "fearful, sneaky, frail, plain and gigantic" (which of course I took to mean my dress size). In many ways, the last few weeks have been tough, and the cards seemed to say it all. However, as we continued playing and laughing, I warmed up to the game, and the cards began to even out. One of my last cards was "playful" --a fitting affirmation of the happy togetherness we were all enjoying.

Summer is always interesting in our home as we get used to all being under the same roof for long stretches of time, jostling play dates, trying to complete final projects at work, cleaning up from Heidi's yummy but messy cooking spurts (it's not all her fault--our kitchen is tiny), and trying to get organized for camp--the four weeks this summer that hold such promise of adventure, joy and unselfed love. For awhile I was feeling guilty because I was so hungry for a break. Then I remembered that as much as I've loved my new job, it is the first time in over 14 years that I've worked full-time. I used to believe that I was a good multitasker, but there were times at work this year when I felt so disorganized; yet it occured to me yesterday that in previous jobs my tasks were usually related (such as pieces of the search process when I worked in Human Resources), but this year my projects have been very diverse and were often done in brand new ways for the school (not just me)--like adopting an electronic box office and creating a campus-wide master calendar in Outlook.

Your blog today about camp, Stone River Reflections: Feels Like Home to Me, made me cry. The best self you describe finding each summer seems to be playing hide and seek with me these days. Sometimes the search for it has been exasperating, but I haven't given up. As I read your blog, I was wrapping up another day at work with projects I'd expected to finish still incomplete. That best self was once again eluding me. I sooo hoped that I too would find it in an enduring way at camp. Perhaps this hope, this simple desire, truly was a prayer. I soon felt God telling me, "You've really done OK this year. Don't hold the last few weeks against yourself. You did find that best self at camp last summer, and for the most part kept it at the forefront all year. There have even been some brights spots in the last few weeks. Hang in there; I'll help you. Camp is coming soon. Have compassion on your humanity."

"Have compassion on your humanity" is an idea I came across many years ago; it might have even been in something you wrote. I've been so grateful for those words of wisdom. Feeling compassion for myself has helped me keep going the past few days--helped me move from "fearful" to "playful." This compassion has been a moment to moment choice to stop seeing shortcomings and instead to recognize and celebrate all the little ways God does express himself as Maria. It's clearly an ongoing adventure.

So, save a seat for me and my best self by the lake! We'll see you in a few weeks!

Hugs and love,
Maria