Pastoral Care 101
Welcome to Pastoral Care 101 or "Laying down your life for a friend." One Saturday morning last May, I found myself in a classroom at Eden Seminary attending a workshop on "Pastoral Care." Most of the other attendees were clergy from a wide variety of denominations. At one point in the afternoon, I looked around me and thought, "I have so much to learn from these people who daily care for their congregations in hands-on, practical ways." I was especially impressed by their ability to talk about intimate situations in compassionate, nonjudgmental ways. A seed was planted in my heart that day, and in August I found myself enrolled as a Seminary student sitting in an introductory pastoral care class.
What is Pastoral Care?
So what is pastoral care? It is all the ways a church cares for its congregation. It includes things our church offers such as intercessory prayer, our food pantry, and advocating for social justice through projects such as our community service activities. But, usually the term "pastoral care" refers to how a pastor engages one on one with individuals in times of emotional need. The tradition of calling ministers "pastors" can be traced back to Jesus' conversation with his disciple Peter, where he told Peter to "Feed my sheep"--to take care of his followers.
Pastoral care is considered to be such an important Christian tradition that it is a required first term class for students studying to be ministers. As a lay church fellowship striving to be "Jesus-patterned and Christ-following," I believe that pastoral care is an important part of building our church.
Bible scholar Christa Kreutz recently wrote an article for the January 7th Christian Science Sentinel called, "What is church for?" She says "Church is that sacred moment and space to serve with the unselfed love that Jesus showed us as the way to salvation…Serving the world, one's brothers and sisters, is serving God and brings us closer to an understanding and experience of God." I like how referring to Jesus' example, Christa relates unselfed love to salvation.
Love One Another
You are probably familiar with Jesus' commandment to love one another. Let me give you the context for one of the times Jesus shares this commandment. The occasion was his last supper with the disciples just before his crucifixion. It was an evening full of pastoral care moments and a call for his disciples to do likewise. Jesus humbly washed his disciple's feet and said, "So if I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have set you as an example, that you also should do as I have done for you." After the foot washing, the Gospel of John records several chapters of dialogue between Jesus and his disciples--Jesus answering questions, teaching, and praying with them. As part of the conversation he says, "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends." (John 15:12-13
Laying Down One's Life
For me, Pastoral Care is an act of laying down one's life for one's friends. Each week as part of our pastoral care class, we did role plays. We were given scenarios to act out where one person would be the pastor and another person would pretend to come talk to the pastor about a specific issue. At first, I didn't do well in either role, mostly because pastoral care was something culturally foreign to me, and I found myself feeling a sense of injustice over that fact—like I'd missed out on something important. I wasn't used to talking about my problems, nor listening to other people talk about theirs. I found that God's command in Isaiah (40:1), to "Comfort ye, comfort ye my people…" isn't always comfortable. And as I've engaged in pastoral care in real life situations, I've found that both giving and receiving pastoral care continues to stretch me out of my comfort-zone.
What We Have to Lay Down
To give pastoral care, I have to lay down or set-aside a "me focused" individualistic approach to life and instead look out and outward for the needs of others with an eye to being community. It is all too easy in our busy lives to walk right by others, even family members, close friends, and work colleagues without noticing how they're doing. Or, even if they do tell us something is out of sorts in their lives, how often do we really take time to respond. So while providing pastoral care may not mean literally giving up our lives for others, it may mean taking off headphones, laying aside the cellphone, waiting a bit longer to catch up on the latest episode of a TV show, or letting the laundry go unfolded one more day, in order to reach out and really care about someone.
It may mean laying aside the temptation to jump in during an intimate conversation to problem solve or give advice and instead just really listening to the person talking. One of the hardest challenges for me in our class role plays was to not immediately try to offer comfort through a passage of scripture or by sharing my own experience of how God has cared for me. While there is often a place for this in pastoral care, I learned the value of holding my tongue for awhile to let people weave their stories. Sometimes the first thing out of someone's mouth isn't the real issue or the main part of the story; sometimes quickly tossing out a spiritual quote can seem like a slap rather than a balm. Pastoral care involves laying aside a sense of ego and personal responsibility for helping someone solve a problem and trusting God's hand, trusting grace and the Holy Spirit to be present and to speak.
I recently heard Francesca Battistelli's song "Angel by Your Side" (http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=FBCEBCNU). It's a great theme song for pastoral care. Pastoral care means sitting by someone's side, not glossing over what they seem to be going through, but letting them know they aren't alone; and hopefully through your presence, they will also feel God's.
Transformation
Jesus' resurrection showed us that when we lay down our lives for others in serving God, we actually find a deeper meaning to life ourselves. A Nigerian theologian, Ukachukwu Chris Manus, puts it this way, "Giving and receiving promote the emergence of new life….The special grace to 'exchange ourselves' in our acts of giving transforms Christians in the image of God" (Global Bible Commentary).
Brian McLaren also writes about this transformation in Why Did Jesus, Moses, the Buddha, and Mohammed Cross the Road? He says, some people "like the good Samaritan, cross the road in compassion and solidarity, moving toward the other to touch, to heal, to affirm human-kindness. In that spirit, we have begun crossing the road, and on the other side, we are discovering the other as neighbor, and God as the loving Creator of all. This crossing forever changes our identity.”
Prayer - (At this point in my talk, we took a "7th inning prayer stretch" which included the following thoughts.)
Dear God take the blinders off our eyes. Show us how to lay down our lives for our friends. Help us stop being preoccupied with our own little worlds so that we can be Your hands and Your feet in the lives of others, so that we don't pass our neighbor in need by on the other side. As Methodist minister Charles Wesley wrote in a beloved hymn:
Help us to help each other, Lord, Each other’s cross to bear;
So what is pastoral care? It is all the ways a church cares for its congregation. It includes things our church offers such as intercessory prayer, our food pantry, and advocating for social justice through projects such as our community service activities. But, usually the term "pastoral care" refers to how a pastor engages one on one with individuals in times of emotional need. The tradition of calling ministers "pastors" can be traced back to Jesus' conversation with his disciple Peter, where he told Peter to "Feed my sheep"--to take care of his followers.
Pastoral care is considered to be such an important Christian tradition that it is a required first term class for students studying to be ministers. As a lay church fellowship striving to be "Jesus-patterned and Christ-following," I believe that pastoral care is an important part of building our church.
Bible scholar Christa Kreutz recently wrote an article for the January 7th Christian Science Sentinel called, "What is church for?" She says "Church is that sacred moment and space to serve with the unselfed love that Jesus showed us as the way to salvation…Serving the world, one's brothers and sisters, is serving God and brings us closer to an understanding and experience of God." I like how referring to Jesus' example, Christa relates unselfed love to salvation.
Love One Another
You are probably familiar with Jesus' commandment to love one another. Let me give you the context for one of the times Jesus shares this commandment. The occasion was his last supper with the disciples just before his crucifixion. It was an evening full of pastoral care moments and a call for his disciples to do likewise. Jesus humbly washed his disciple's feet and said, "So if I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have set you as an example, that you also should do as I have done for you." After the foot washing, the Gospel of John records several chapters of dialogue between Jesus and his disciples--Jesus answering questions, teaching, and praying with them. As part of the conversation he says, "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends." (John 15:12-13
Laying Down One's Life
For me, Pastoral Care is an act of laying down one's life for one's friends. Each week as part of our pastoral care class, we did role plays. We were given scenarios to act out where one person would be the pastor and another person would pretend to come talk to the pastor about a specific issue. At first, I didn't do well in either role, mostly because pastoral care was something culturally foreign to me, and I found myself feeling a sense of injustice over that fact—like I'd missed out on something important. I wasn't used to talking about my problems, nor listening to other people talk about theirs. I found that God's command in Isaiah (40:1), to "Comfort ye, comfort ye my people…" isn't always comfortable. And as I've engaged in pastoral care in real life situations, I've found that both giving and receiving pastoral care continues to stretch me out of my comfort-zone.
What We Have to Lay Down
To give pastoral care, I have to lay down or set-aside a "me focused" individualistic approach to life and instead look out and outward for the needs of others with an eye to being community. It is all too easy in our busy lives to walk right by others, even family members, close friends, and work colleagues without noticing how they're doing. Or, even if they do tell us something is out of sorts in their lives, how often do we really take time to respond. So while providing pastoral care may not mean literally giving up our lives for others, it may mean taking off headphones, laying aside the cellphone, waiting a bit longer to catch up on the latest episode of a TV show, or letting the laundry go unfolded one more day, in order to reach out and really care about someone.
It may mean laying aside the temptation to jump in during an intimate conversation to problem solve or give advice and instead just really listening to the person talking. One of the hardest challenges for me in our class role plays was to not immediately try to offer comfort through a passage of scripture or by sharing my own experience of how God has cared for me. While there is often a place for this in pastoral care, I learned the value of holding my tongue for awhile to let people weave their stories. Sometimes the first thing out of someone's mouth isn't the real issue or the main part of the story; sometimes quickly tossing out a spiritual quote can seem like a slap rather than a balm. Pastoral care involves laying aside a sense of ego and personal responsibility for helping someone solve a problem and trusting God's hand, trusting grace and the Holy Spirit to be present and to speak.
I recently heard Francesca Battistelli's song "Angel by Your Side" (http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=FBCEBCNU). It's a great theme song for pastoral care. Pastoral care means sitting by someone's side, not glossing over what they seem to be going through, but letting them know they aren't alone; and hopefully through your presence, they will also feel God's.
Transformation
Jesus' resurrection showed us that when we lay down our lives for others in serving God, we actually find a deeper meaning to life ourselves. A Nigerian theologian, Ukachukwu Chris Manus, puts it this way, "Giving and receiving promote the emergence of new life….The special grace to 'exchange ourselves' in our acts of giving transforms Christians in the image of God" (Global Bible Commentary).
Brian McLaren also writes about this transformation in Why Did Jesus, Moses, the Buddha, and Mohammed Cross the Road? He says, some people "like the good Samaritan, cross the road in compassion and solidarity, moving toward the other to touch, to heal, to affirm human-kindness. In that spirit, we have begun crossing the road, and on the other side, we are discovering the other as neighbor, and God as the loving Creator of all. This crossing forever changes our identity.”
Prayer - (At this point in my talk, we took a "7th inning prayer stretch" which included the following thoughts.)
Dear God take the blinders off our eyes. Show us how to lay down our lives for our friends. Help us stop being preoccupied with our own little worlds so that we can be Your hands and Your feet in the lives of others, so that we don't pass our neighbor in need by on the other side. As Methodist minister Charles Wesley wrote in a beloved hymn:
Help us to help each other, Lord, Each other’s cross to bear;
Let each his friendly aid afford, And feel his brother’s care.
Help us to build each other up, Our little stock improve;
Increase our faith, confirm our hope, And perfect us in love. Amen.
Seeking Care – "Watch with Me"
It occurs to me that when are willing to seek Pastoral care we are also laying down our lives, literally laying down our story for another to listen to. But it isn't always easy to admit our need of help. Yet, even Jesus sought out pastoral care from his disciples. In the Garden of Gethsemane, he reached out to them and said, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with me.” (Matt. 26:39) Jesus was simply asking for their presence. Unfortunately, the disciples weren't very good pastoral care givers. They fell asleep. We can pray that we do a better job when a friend asks, "Watch with me."
In Matthew, Jesus' shares a parable about building upon the rock rather than the sand. A friend recently pointed out that building on a rock, doesn't mean that the waves, winds, and floods don't come; it just means that they won't destroy us. We don't need to feel guilty about having to face challenges; they're nothing personal. But that can be hard to remember and accept. There is no doubt that laying down the struggles of our lives before friends can make us feel vulnerable.
A Covenant Relationship
Author Madeleine L'Engle says, "When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability....To be alive is to be vulnerable" (Walking On Water: Reflections On Faith and Art).
A pastoral care relationship is a covenant relationship. If offers a safe space in which to be vulnerable, in which confidentiality is strictly observed, and the care giver strives to see the image of God in the care seeker. You really can't view someone as the image of God and be judgmental. In our role plays at seminary, we also learned not to impose our theology on someone, but rather to help care seekers discover and build upon the spiritual resources they already have. As a Christian Scientist, I'll never forget one role play in which a United Church of Christ student, acting as pastor, took what little she knew about Christian Science and incorporated those values into our discussion. It was just a made up scenario, but I felt truly affirmed and cared for.
Before we got married, Michael and I spent a lot of time carefully considering what we wanted to promise each other at our wedding. I'd like to share part of our vows, as a model for a pastoral care covenant: "Dear friend, I promise always to endeavor to see you as God sees, to love you as God loves, and to hold no concept of you or us that is earthly, false, or impure." Upholding this covenant has helped create a safe space for dialog and living.
A Personal Experience
In order to improve my role playing in my seminary class, I realized I needed to experience traditional, real time, face to face pastoral care. The idea was a bit scary, but a nagging memory provided the perfect opportunity, and so I asked a member of our congregation if she'd be willing to have a pastoral care conversation with me. It took me a while to fully open up and share all my thoughts and feelings because self-disclosure (especially face to face) is difficult for me, but she patiently listened to my story, asked some good questions, and occasionally shared a little of her own personal experience. She graciously lay down an hour and a half of her life to be with me, and the results were wonderfully freeing.
As we talked, the memory that had been playing over and over in my head took on different meaning; and cast in a new light, it ceased to haunt me. As part of our conversation, we also found occasion to celebrate the good in my life including the spiritual growth that had been taking place as I had prayed about this and other recent challenges. Our time together was an important turning point not only in forwarding emotional healing, but also in helping me provide better pastoral care. Having felt what it was like to be so tenderly cared for and helped in a vulnerable moment, I found myself both eager and better equipped to pass on the blessings. I wanted to share the unconditional love I had felt that afternoon with others.
Help us to build each other up, Our little stock improve;
Increase our faith, confirm our hope, And perfect us in love. Amen.
Seeking Care – "Watch with Me"
It occurs to me that when are willing to seek Pastoral care we are also laying down our lives, literally laying down our story for another to listen to. But it isn't always easy to admit our need of help. Yet, even Jesus sought out pastoral care from his disciples. In the Garden of Gethsemane, he reached out to them and said, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with me.” (Matt. 26:39) Jesus was simply asking for their presence. Unfortunately, the disciples weren't very good pastoral care givers. They fell asleep. We can pray that we do a better job when a friend asks, "Watch with me."
In Matthew, Jesus' shares a parable about building upon the rock rather than the sand. A friend recently pointed out that building on a rock, doesn't mean that the waves, winds, and floods don't come; it just means that they won't destroy us. We don't need to feel guilty about having to face challenges; they're nothing personal. But that can be hard to remember and accept. There is no doubt that laying down the struggles of our lives before friends can make us feel vulnerable.
A Covenant Relationship
Author Madeleine L'Engle says, "When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability....To be alive is to be vulnerable" (Walking On Water: Reflections On Faith and Art).
A pastoral care relationship is a covenant relationship. If offers a safe space in which to be vulnerable, in which confidentiality is strictly observed, and the care giver strives to see the image of God in the care seeker. You really can't view someone as the image of God and be judgmental. In our role plays at seminary, we also learned not to impose our theology on someone, but rather to help care seekers discover and build upon the spiritual resources they already have. As a Christian Scientist, I'll never forget one role play in which a United Church of Christ student, acting as pastor, took what little she knew about Christian Science and incorporated those values into our discussion. It was just a made up scenario, but I felt truly affirmed and cared for.
Before we got married, Michael and I spent a lot of time carefully considering what we wanted to promise each other at our wedding. I'd like to share part of our vows, as a model for a pastoral care covenant: "Dear friend, I promise always to endeavor to see you as God sees, to love you as God loves, and to hold no concept of you or us that is earthly, false, or impure." Upholding this covenant has helped create a safe space for dialog and living.
A Personal Experience
In order to improve my role playing in my seminary class, I realized I needed to experience traditional, real time, face to face pastoral care. The idea was a bit scary, but a nagging memory provided the perfect opportunity, and so I asked a member of our congregation if she'd be willing to have a pastoral care conversation with me. It took me a while to fully open up and share all my thoughts and feelings because self-disclosure (especially face to face) is difficult for me, but she patiently listened to my story, asked some good questions, and occasionally shared a little of her own personal experience. She graciously lay down an hour and a half of her life to be with me, and the results were wonderfully freeing.
As we talked, the memory that had been playing over and over in my head took on different meaning; and cast in a new light, it ceased to haunt me. As part of our conversation, we also found occasion to celebrate the good in my life including the spiritual growth that had been taking place as I had prayed about this and other recent challenges. Our time together was an important turning point not only in forwarding emotional healing, but also in helping me provide better pastoral care. Having felt what it was like to be so tenderly cared for and helped in a vulnerable moment, I found myself both eager and better equipped to pass on the blessings. I wanted to share the unconditional love I had felt that afternoon with others.
Commitment
I invite you to consider making a commitment to lay down your life for a friend this week, a commitment to offering pastoral care or simply a listening ear to someone. It is a way we can give and share that has nothing to do with wealth. Or if you are struggling with something, perhaps you are willing to offer vulnerability and accept the support of a friend as an angel by your side.
Accepted, Respected, Loved
Each week at our church services, we make the effort to remind you that wherever you are on your spiritual journey you are accepted, respected, and loved. This too is a pastoral care promise. Thank you for embracing me and each other with this blessing.
Benediction
I will not leave you comfortless....(John 14:18)
Many thanks to my friends Karen and Scott who recently spoke on loving one another (Scott) and building on a firm foundation (Karen) and to my Pastoral Care class professor and roll-play partners.
I invite you to consider making a commitment to lay down your life for a friend this week, a commitment to offering pastoral care or simply a listening ear to someone. It is a way we can give and share that has nothing to do with wealth. Or if you are struggling with something, perhaps you are willing to offer vulnerability and accept the support of a friend as an angel by your side.
Accepted, Respected, Loved
Each week at our church services, we make the effort to remind you that wherever you are on your spiritual journey you are accepted, respected, and loved. This too is a pastoral care promise. Thank you for embracing me and each other with this blessing.
Benediction
I will not leave you comfortless....(John 14:18)
Many thanks to my friends Karen and Scott who recently spoke on loving one another (Scott) and building on a firm foundation (Karen) and to my Pastoral Care class professor and roll-play partners.
