Pastoral Care 101 - Laying Down Your Life for a Friend

I recently gave a talk to my congregation on Pastoral Care. An abridged version follows. I think it's a topic that fits in especially well with this season of Lent and Easter.

Pastoral Care 101
Welcome to Pastoral Care 101 or "Laying down your life for a friend." One Saturday morning last May, I found myself in a classroom at Eden Seminary attending a workshop on "Pastoral Care." Most of the other attendees were clergy from a wide variety of denominations. At one point in the afternoon, I looked around me and thought, "I have so much to learn from these people who daily care for their congregations in hands-on, practical ways." I was especially impressed by their ability to talk about intimate situations in compassionate, nonjudgmental ways. A seed was planted in my heart that day, and in August I found myself enrolled as a Seminary student sitting in an introductory pastoral care class.

What is Pastoral Care?
So what is pastoral care? It is all the ways a church cares for its congregation. It includes things our church offers such as intercessory prayer, our food pantry, and advocating for social justice through projects such as our community service activities. But, usually the term "pastoral care" refers to how a pastor engages one on one with individuals in times of emotional need. The tradition of calling ministers "pastors" can be traced back to Jesus' conversation with his disciple Peter, where he told Peter to "Feed my sheep"--to take care of his followers.

Pastoral care is considered to be such an important Christian tradition that it is a required first term class for students studying to be ministers. As a lay church fellowship striving to be "Jesus-patterned and Christ-following," I believe that pastoral care is an important part of building our church.

Bible scholar Christa Kreutz recently wrote an article for the January 7th Christian Science Sentinel called, "What is church for?" She says "Church is that sacred moment and space to serve with the unselfed love that Jesus showed us as the way to salvation…Serving the world, one's brothers and sisters, is serving God and brings us closer to an understanding and experience of God." I like how referring to Jesus' example, Christa relates unselfed love to salvation.

Love One Another
You are probably familiar with Jesus' commandment to love one another. Let me give you the context for one of the times Jesus shares this commandment. The occasion was his last supper with the disciples just before his crucifixion. It was an evening full of pastoral care moments and a call for his disciples to do likewise. Jesus humbly washed his disciple's feet and said, "So if I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have set you as an example, that you also should do as I have done for you." After the foot washing, the Gospel of John records several chapters of dialogue between Jesus and his disciples--Jesus answering questions, teaching, and praying with them. As part of the conversation he says, "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends." (John 15:12-13

Laying Down One's Life
For me, Pastoral Care is an act of laying down one's life for one's friends. Each week as part of our pastoral care class, we did role plays. We were given scenarios to act out where one person would be the pastor and another person would pretend to come talk to the pastor about a specific issue. At first, I didn't do well in either role, mostly because pastoral care was something culturally foreign to me, and I found myself feeling a sense of injustice over that fact—like I'd missed out on something important. I wasn't used to talking about my problems, nor listening to other people talk about theirs. I found that God's command in Isaiah (40:1), to "Comfort ye, comfort ye my people…" isn't always comfortable. And as I've engaged in pastoral care in real life situations, I've found that both giving and receiving pastoral care continues to stretch me out of my comfort-zone.

What We Have to Lay Down
To give pastoral care, I have to lay down or set-aside a "me focused" individualistic approach to life and instead look out and outward for the needs of others with an eye to being community. It is all too easy in our busy lives to walk right by others, even family members, close friends, and work colleagues without noticing how they're doing. Or, even if they do tell us something is out of sorts in their lives, how often do we really take time to respond. So while providing pastoral care may not mean literally giving up our lives for others, it may mean taking off headphones, laying aside the cellphone, waiting a bit longer to catch up on the latest episode of a TV show, or letting the laundry go unfolded one more day, in order to reach out and really care about someone.

It may mean laying aside the temptation to jump in during an intimate conversation to problem solve or give advice and instead just really listening to the person talking. One of the hardest challenges for me in our class role plays was to not immediately try to offer comfort through a passage of scripture or by sharing my own experience of how God has cared for me. While there is often a place for this in pastoral care, I learned the value of holding my tongue for awhile to let people weave their stories. Sometimes the first thing out of someone's mouth isn't the real issue or the main part of the story; sometimes quickly tossing out a spiritual quote can seem like a slap rather than a balm. Pastoral care involves laying aside a sense of ego and personal responsibility for helping someone solve a problem and trusting God's hand, trusting grace and the Holy Spirit to be present and to speak.

I recently heard Francesca Battistelli's song "Angel by Your Side" (http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=FBCEBCNU). It's a great theme song for pastoral care. Pastoral care means sitting by someone's side, not glossing over what they seem to be going through, but letting them know they aren't alone; and hopefully through your presence, they will also feel God's.

Transformation
Jesus' resurrection showed us that when we lay down our lives for others in serving God, we actually find a deeper meaning to life ourselves. A Nigerian theologian, Ukachukwu Chris Manus, puts it this way, "Giving and receiving promote the emergence of new life….The special grace to 'exchange ourselves' in our acts of giving transforms Christians in the image of God" (Global Bible Commentary).

Brian McLaren also writes about this transformation in Why Did Jesus, Moses, the Buddha, and Mohammed Cross the Road? He says, some people "like the good Samaritan, cross the road in compassion and solidarity, moving toward the other to touch, to heal, to affirm human-kindness. In that spirit, we have begun crossing the road, and on the other side, we are discovering the other as neighbor, and God as the loving Creator of all. This crossing forever changes our identity.”

Prayer - (At this point in my talk, we took a "7th inning prayer stretch" which included the following thoughts.)

Dear God take the blinders off our eyes. Show us how to lay down our lives for our friends. Help us stop being preoccupied with our own little worlds so that we can be Your hands and Your feet in the lives of others, so that we don't pass our neighbor in need by on the other side. As Methodist minister Charles Wesley wrote in a beloved hymn:

Help us to help each other, Lord, Each other’s cross to bear;

Let each his friendly aid afford, And feel his brother’s care.
Help us to build each other up, Our little stock improve;
Increase our faith, confirm our hope, And perfect us in love. Amen.

Seeking Care – "Watch with Me"
It occurs to me that when are willing to seek Pastoral care we are also laying down our lives, literally laying down our story for another to listen to. But it isn't always easy to admit our need of help. Yet, even Jesus sought out pastoral care from his disciples. In the Garden of Gethsemane, he reached out to them and said, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with me.” (Matt. 26:39) Jesus was simply asking for their presence. Unfortunately, the disciples weren't very good pastoral care givers. They fell asleep. We can pray that we do a better job when a friend asks, "Watch with me."

In Matthew, Jesus' shares a parable about building upon the rock rather than the sand. A friend recently pointed out that building on a rock, doesn't mean that the waves, winds, and floods don't come; it just means that they won't destroy us. We don't need to feel guilty about having to face challenges; they're nothing personal. But that can be hard to remember and accept. There is no doubt that laying down the struggles of our lives before friends can make us feel vulnerable.

A Covenant Relationship
Author Madeleine L'Engle says, "When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability....To be alive is to be vulnerable" (Walking On Water: Reflections On Faith and Art).

A pastoral care relationship is a covenant relationship. If offers a safe space in which to be vulnerable, in which confidentiality is strictly observed, and the care giver strives to see the image of God in the care seeker. You really can't view someone as the image of God and be judgmental. In our role plays at seminary, we also learned not to impose our theology on someone, but rather to help care seekers discover and build upon the spiritual resources they already have. As a Christian Scientist, I'll never forget one role play in which a United Church of Christ student, acting as pastor, took what little she knew about Christian Science and incorporated those values into our discussion. It was just a made up scenario, but I felt truly affirmed and cared for.

Before we got married, Michael and I spent a lot of time carefully considering what we wanted to promise each other at our wedding. I'd like to share part of our vows, as a model for a pastoral care covenant: "Dear friend, I promise always to endeavor to see you as God sees, to love you as God loves, and to hold no concept of you or us that is earthly, false, or impure." Upholding this covenant has helped create a safe space for dialog and living.

A Personal Experience
In order to improve my role playing in my seminary class, I realized I needed to experience traditional, real time, face to face pastoral care. The idea was a bit scary, but a nagging memory provided the perfect opportunity, and so I asked a member of our congregation if she'd be willing to have a pastoral care conversation with me. It took me a while to fully open up and share all my thoughts and feelings because self-disclosure (especially face to face) is difficult for me, but she patiently listened to my story, asked some good questions, and occasionally shared a little of her own personal experience. She graciously lay down an hour and a half of her life to be with me, and the results were wonderfully freeing.

As we talked, the memory that had been playing over and over in my head took on different meaning; and cast in a new light, it ceased to haunt me. As part of our conversation, we also found occasion to celebrate the good in my life including the spiritual growth that had been taking place as I had prayed about this and other recent challenges. Our time together was an important turning point not only in forwarding emotional healing, but also in helping me provide better pastoral care. Having felt what it was like to be so tenderly cared for and helped in a vulnerable moment, I found myself both eager and better equipped to pass on the blessings. I wanted to share the unconditional love I had felt that afternoon with others.

Commitment
I invite you to consider making a commitment to lay down your life for a friend this week, a commitment to offering pastoral care or simply a listening ear to someone. It is a way we can give and share that has nothing to do with wealth. Or if you are struggling with something, perhaps you are willing to offer vulnerability and accept the support of a friend as an angel by your side.

Accepted, Respected, Loved 
Each week at our church services, we make the effort to remind you that wherever you are on your spiritual journey you are accepted, respected, and loved. This too is a pastoral care promise. Thank you for embracing me and each other with this blessing.

Benediction
I will not leave you comfortless....(John 14:18)

Many thanks to my friends Karen and Scott who recently spoke on loving one another (Scott) and building on a firm foundation (Karen) and to my Pastoral Care class professor and roll-play partners.

Surrender

(I recently had the opportunity to share an inspirational talk called “Surrender.” A slightly modified version follows.)


In the past, I’ve spoken about topics that I’ve really made my own. But today, I’m talking about a topic that is fairly new territory for me…something I’m just beginning to learn about. Not too long ago, I walked by the display of new books at the library and this one jumped out at me: Surrender! The Life Changing Power of Doing God’s Will by Father Larry Richards. Now I’m surprised I didn’t turn around and run out the door right then and there because “Surrender” is a word I really haven’t liked much. But for some reason, this book had me waving a white flag from the get-go. Much to my surprise, I checked it out and brought it home.

Has anyone else felt uneasy about the word “surrender”? To me it has often had the negative implications of losing or giving up. Here’s one definition of “surrender” I found on dictionary.com: “to yield (something) to the possession or power of another.” So how about “to yield [one’s life] to the power of [God]? Now that’s a definition I can live with. In fact, I’ve wondered if I brought the book home because of its positive subtitle: “The Life-Changing Power of Doing God’s Will.” I’d sure like to experience more of the “life-changing power” of God in my life. Wouldn’t you? The book’s chapter titles offered some great promises too:

• Surrender and Go to Heaven!
• Surrender and Be Free!
• Surrender and Be an Icon of Jesus! (more on that one later)
• Surrender and Hear God’s Voice!
• Surrender and Discover God’s Will!
• Surrender and Live God’s Will!

This type of surrender sure sounds like a win-win, all around good situation to me. So I decided to give the book a go. However, one of the first things I had to surrender is Protestant prejudice about reading a book by a Catholic priest. When I was in Middle School, my family moved next door to a Catholic family who not only had a daughter my age, but they had horses too. However, because of cultural paradigms, my mom wouldn’t let us be friends. She was concerned that I might in turn meet this girl’s friends and become romantically involved with a Catholic…with someone whose religious doctrines and practices she perceived as being so different from my own. So, as I began reading the book, I made a sincere effort to not let theological or cultural differences keep me from hearing the spirit and heart of Fr. Richards’ message. The book ended up resonating with me deeply. I realized that several aspects of surrendering were already part of my prayer practice, and now I also am making a conscious effort to incorporate several new ideas from the book into my life. I’m not suggesting that everyone go out and read this book. It just happened to be the right book at the right time for me; and just the very act of reading it helped me learn that surrender requires listening to God with an open heart.

As we go forward today, I encourage you to keep your heart and thought open and see what new insights God might have for you on this topic. What might surrender look like in your life right now? What outgrown beliefs can you let go of, and what new directions and ideas are begging to be accepted?

Over the past month, I’ve found the concept of surrender popping up all over the place. Biblical examples of the life-changing power of surrender are abundant. For example there was Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his son Isaac but then also to change course when God directed him otherwise. There was Moses’ agreeing to lead the Children of Israel out of Egypt even though he was slow of speech, and of course, Jesus’ facing of the crucifixion and the poignant words he uttered in the Garden of Gethsemane, “Thy will be done.” There is probably no better example of complete surrender than Jesus. And then there is Saul who had persecuted Christians, but when he surrendered to the calling of the Christ was transformed, and as Paul became one of the major players in establishing early Christian churches and communities. One of the Biblical characters that I’ve enjoyed thinking about lately is Ananias, a key figure in Paul’s story. When Jesus appeared to Saul, Saul was made blind, and Ananias was given the task of healing him. Here’s Ananias’ story as told in The Message (Acts 9:10-19):

There was a disciple in Damascus by the name of Ananias. The Master spoke to him in a vision: "Ananias." "Yes, Master?" he answered. “Get up and go over to Straight Avenue. Ask at the house of Judas for a man from Tarsus. His name is Saul. He's there praying. He has just had a dream in which he saw a man named Ananias enter the house and lay hands on him so he could see again.”  Ananias protested, "Master, you can't be serious. Everybody's talking about this man and the terrible things he's been doing, his reign of terror against your people in Jerusalem! And now he's shown up here with papers from the Chief Priest that give him license to do the same to us."  But the Master said, "Don't argue. Go! I have picked him as my personal representative to non-Jews and kings and Jews…."  So Ananias went and found the house, placed his hands on blind Saul, and said, "Brother Saul, the Master sent me, the same Jesus you saw on your way here. He sent me so you could see again and be filled with the Holy Spirit." No sooner were the words out of his mouth than something like scales fell from Saul's eyes—he could see again! He got to his feet, was baptized, and sat down with them to a hearty meal.

Did you catch the “Ananias protested” part? Jesus’ followers hadn’t had it easy. They had been practicing and spreading their faith, but in many ways they also had just been trying to stay alive and not be put in jail or stoned to death, and now Ananias was being asked to not just go see the guy behind all the terror, but to heal him. Ananias had to totally surrender his own sense of who Saul was as well as concern for personal safety. Ananias’ act of surrender took humility, great forgiveness, and a lot of courage.

Surrender means having courage and trusting that our loving God knows what He’s doing. It requires facing fears with real trust in God’s presence and His control over the outcome of our lives. Sometimes what God tells us to do may not make sense, but He will give us the courage, clarity, and strength necessary to do His will, and His will is always good.

I recently was listening to the radio and heard “Whatever You’re Doing” by Sanctus Real. I think it does a wonderful job of capturing the heart of surrender and perhaps some of what Saul and Ananias might have been thinking and feeling as they faced their encounter with each other. Perhaps you’ve had some of these feelings too. (Here’s a link to the song and lyrics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3B-udGxwLV0.)

“It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace.” That’s my favorite line. My husband and I were talking about Ananias recently and Mike said, “I don’t think this guy went in there shaking in his boots (or sandals). I think he went in with confidence that nothing could stand against God and his Christ…nothing!” But in the middle of it all, these Bible characters don’t know how their stories end. In another thought provoking book I’ve read this year, I Refuse to Lead a Dying Church, Paul Nixon describes an apostolic life (both past and present) as “anything but settled,” but that’s OK. Surrender sometimes means being OK with unsettled for a while. But not having all the answers in a given moment doesn’t need to mean a lack of peace when you understand that God is at work doing “something heavenly.” “It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace.” God gives us peace.

My church’s Covenant talks about striving together to: “Be Spirit-saturated, surrendering to the Holy Spirit in everything we do, as the condition through which we more effectively accomplish our practice of spirituality. This includes repenting of self-centeredness and surrendering to the new birth promised through the Comforter, the Holy Spirit.” What really jumped out at me is that surrender goes hand in hand with repenting of self-centeredness. Or in other words, surrender is about love.

You may remember that one of the chapter titles in Larry Richards’ book is “Surrender and Be an Icon for Jesus!” Here’s an example of what he means. I really appreciate the spirit of his message. Richards writes:

I love the story of the man who was captured in World War II and thrown in a Japanese prisoner of war camp. He was treated badly, but not as badly as another guy, a Japanese who was trying to help Americans. The captors tortured the Japanese man every day and deprived him of food. Every day, he would be thrown into the same cell as the American, and every day the American would take his own food and give it to the Japanese man and try to heal his wounds as best as possible.  One day they had tortured the Japanese man so badly that when they threw him back in the cell with the American, the American knew that he was going to die. So he knelt next to him, and said, 'You know, you are probably going to die tonight. But you don't have to be afraid. If you just give your life to Jesus you will live forever.'  You know what the Japanese man said to the American? He said, 'If Jesus is anything like you, I can't wait to meet him.'  Could people say that about us?…Could they say, “If Jesus Christ is anything like you, I can’t wait to meet him?” (pages 91-92)

Good question. To be an icon of Jesus, we need to surrender or let a little of self die each day, so that when people look at us they see the Christ. Perhaps what I appreciated most about Father Richards’ book is that it helped me see that surrendering doesn’t always have to be a big momentous thing, it can be a moment by moment, day by day practice…a practice God helps us with.

The Covenant sentences we looked at talks about surrendering to the new birth. Mary Baker Eddy, who founded the Christian Science church writes, “The new birth is not the work of a moment. It begins with moments, and goes on with years; moments of surrender to God, of childlike trust and joyful adoption of good; moments of self-abnegation, self-consecration, heaven-born hope, and spiritual love.” (Miscellaneous Writings 15:13)

I have one more example of surrender for you. It’s from a talk on by Oprah Winfrey. I think you will enjoy hearing her story. Oprah fell in love with the book “The Color Purple” and was ecstatic to have an opportunity to audition for a part in the movie. The following youtube video tells what happened:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrWxNJV6jJc (Note: I only used the following clips: 3:21-7:37 & 8:56-9:42).

I love that Oprah made a conscious effort to stick with a posture of surrender until she felt complete peace and also felt like she could bless another person in the role that she wanted so badly. Sometimes surrender is a repeated and/or multistep process requiring persistence. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Keep letting go until you feel trust and peace, until you feel God’s blessing.

So in summary…
• Our dictionary definition led to the idea that “Surrender” means yielding one’s life to the power of God.
• As I found in my approach to reading Larry Richards’ book, it means listening to God with an open heart.
• Like Ananias it means expressing courage and trusting that God knows what He’s doing.
•As Sanctus Real sings, it means not being afraid if things sometimes feel a bit unsettled or chaotic...right there we can also feel peace.
• As the covenant and the story about the man in the prisoner of war camp indicate, surrender is about giving up self-centeredness and actively loving more day by day, moment by moment.
• And as Oprah shared, sometimes letting go takes persistence in order to reap the fullness of the blessing.

(Note: After praying and singing together, we ended with the following benediction.)

May you feel your life molded by the hand of God and your days filled with moments of sweet surrender.

“No Worries" or Lessons I’ve Learned from Working with Ari

I recently had the opportunity to share an inspirational talk called “No Worries or Lessons I’ve Learned from Working with Ari.” A modified version follows:

In May, we adopted a handsome, endearing Sheltie named Ari. He has been a wonderful blessing and addition to our family.

Like all of us, Ari has special gifts. One of Ari’s talents is “singing” on command; we’ve had lots of fun with his musical howling. But also like all of us, Ari has a few things in life that he finds a bit challenging such as the vacuum cleaner and the mixer. Just getting them out brings forth a bark or two, but turning them on, drives him absolutely crazy.

Ari also used to get excited and start barking when he saw squirrels, rabbits, and even other people on our walks. Now as we approach something I think might excite him, I happily reassure him, “No, worries, here comes a friend” or “That’s just a squirrel Ari, no worries.” We’re still working on not barking at other dogs, but as long as the coast is clear of canine friends, I can usually enjoy our walks as good thinking and praying time.

One day on our walk, Ari was calm and having a great time, but I on the other hand was quite concerned about several things in my life. Then the thought came, “No worries, it’s just the mixer.” I laughed and began to let go of my anxiety. Now to Ari, the mixer or vacuum might seem like the devil or big bad wolf, but to you and me, the vacuum means a clean house and the mixer a yummy treat in the making. From our perspective, we know that what is driving Ari crazy is not only nothing to be concerned about but actually something very good going on. And isn’t that often the case with our lives? We get all worried about something, forgetting that God’s got things under control…that only good is really going on. And if we would only take a moment to listen, I bet we would hear God telling us, “Don’t worry, be happy. Don’t worry, be happy” (imagine Bobby McFerrin singing).

The Bible is full of commands to “Fear not.” One of my favorite Bible stories about not being fearful or taken in by evil trying to our attention is the story of David and Goliath. (For a chuckle, check out this Veggie Tales clip of David and the Giant Pickle: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Qmj2fXPvXc, and then next time something bothers you, you can say, “No worries, it’s just a giant pickle.” I find humor often helps me face fear.)

Here’s a bit of the back story on David and Goliath: David, was a shepherd. His whole town was upset by the soldier-giant Goliath. No one dared accept Goliath’s challenge to fight…no one except David. To him, Goliath was no more of a threat than the wild beasts from which he had repeatedly protected his sheep. When David volunteered to fight Goliath, King Saul offered David the use of his finest armor and weapons, but David decided to pass on the king’s offer. He told Saul, “The Lord that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine.” (I Sam. 17:37) So, David took his trusty slingshot, which he had proven to be so effective over and over again in defending his herd, and put five smooth stones in his shepherd’s bag. He only needed to use one stone. One strike and Goliath was out.

Recently I decided to take stock of my own smooth stones. I began to explore what has helped me work through challenges in the past. Here are five smooth stones, or spiritual tools, that have proven effective for me:

First, “The Word of God,” including bible verses and songs or sometimes an idea a friend shares. I try to keep a spiritual quote handy on both my electronic and actual desktops for my eye to light upon during the day. A favorite Bible verse I often pray with is this one, “I know the thoughts that I think toward you says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 19:22) I find comfort in reminding myself that God is constantly giving me and others the exact thoughts we need to respond to the moment in a calm healing manner. Singing God’s word really helps me too, and I often find additional strength by actually singing the words to songs or hymns out loud. I’ve also been caught whistling worship songs in the halls where I work.

My 2nd stone is “Praying with Others.” When the going gets tough, I often ask for help. In James (5:14) it says, “Is any among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him…and the prayer of faith will save the sick.” I’m especially grateful for the prayers of Christian Science practitioners, whose vocations are the practice of spiritual healing. They are available 24/7 to pray for people when needed. Sometimes I ask for the prayers of family members or friends. My church has an active Prayer Ministry team eager to pray with people through any situation. I am also grateful to everyone who has let me pray for them through this prayer ministry. Invariably my prayers for others bless me too and have helped pull me through some difficult times of my own.

The 3rd stone, “Gratitude,” is a way to glorify God. It is hard to grateful and sad or worried at the same time. I remember one time when our children were little, I heard them downstairs them yelling at each other. While normally I would have run to intervene, this time I found myself sitting down on the floor right where I was and expressing gratitude for the exact opposite of what my ears were hearing, “Thank you God for having done everything so well, for making Heidi and Lincoln peaceful and calm. Thank you for making them gentle and forgiving,” etc. until suddenly I realized it was quiet. They’d worked things out and were again playing happily. My prayer of gratitude was the only action needed. Gotthold Lessing says, “A single grateful thought toward heaven is the most complete prayer.” I find it helpful sometimes to look back and remember experiences like this one when I’ve felt God’s healing presence. Gratitude for past proofs of God’s care helps give me encouragement and expectancy of good in present situations.

My 4th stone is “Being Still.” In Psalms (46:10) we are told, “Be still and know that I am God.” Sometimes I have to consciously make myself slow down to hear what God is telling me. This can take the form of a walk, a long hot bath, or the posture of a yoga prayer pose. For me there is nothing like literally getting down on my knees to silence the mind’s chatter. Sometimes simply folding my hands and bowing my head helps. Writing or journaling also is effective in helping me still thought and hear God.

However, there are other times, especially when fear tries to paralyze me or pain is great, that I need to be up and doing. My 5th stone is “Doing Good.” I remember times in my life when simply loading the dishwasher seemed like a big effort, but getting out of bed when I wasn’t feeling well and doing so was a gift to my family and an important step towards healing. There is always something we can do to express love towards others, whether it be a simple note or phone call, a great big hug, or a thought of blessing sent someone’s way. Love heals. Mary Baker Eddy, who founded the Christian Science church wrote, “The prayer that reforms the sinner and heals the sick is an absolute faith that all things are possible to God,--a spiritual understanding of Him, an unselfed love.”

So the first spiritual lesson I’ve learned working with Ari is “No Worries. It’s only the mixer,”…from God’s perspective, only good is going on. Whenever something seems like a Goliath to Ari, there is a smooth stone that takes care of the situation almost every time, it’s spelled “T-R-E-A-T.” (We have to spell words sometimes if we don’t want to excite him.) We too need to use our smooth stones and keep our focus on God the way Ari focuses on a treat.

The second lesson I’ve learned from Ari is to have compassion on myself when things don’t turn around as quickly as I’d like. On another walk with Ari, I was feeling guilty about a challenge I’d been working on for a long time. Why couldn’t I get things right? What must the person I’d asked to pray with me think about my needing help day after day? Then I thought, “I don’t love Ari any less because he still hasn’t figured out that the mixer and vacuum are harmless. I don’t think he is a bad dog or blame him for these fears. I just smile and calmly reassure him. I know he’ll eventually get it.” So, don’t let discouragement in. Sometimes it takes more than one smooth stone. David had lots of slingshot practice with lions and bears before defeating Goliath. Whatever trials come your way, no matter how long it takes to work through them, or how messy it gets. God is going to stand by and love you no matter what.

One of the times I still really need to stand by Ari is when he sees another dog approaching. Given the opportunity, he will bark loudly and rush towards the dog. So I shorten his leash and begin talking to him. “No worries, here comes a friend.” I’ve gotten him to a point where he’ll sit and just quietly growl , at least for a while, but as the dog being walked comes closer and closer it often becomes more than he can handle. So sometimes I’ll simply pick him up. There is something about being carried that calms him down. As long as I’m carrying Ari, he is quiet. It reminds me of a story which is probably familiar to many of you called, “Footprints in the Sand”:

One night I had a dream. I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life. This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way; but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me.” The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

So Lesson #3 from Ari is, “No Worries…when things are hardest, God carries us.” It’s as simple as that. God is a patient Father-Mother, who comforts us until we too see that “All is well.”

I never imagined when we adopted Ari that his impact on my life would be so profound. Thanks Ari, you’ve been an angel in more ways than one and have helped me get a clearer glimpse of the kingdom of heaven truly within and at hand.

Costa Rica Lessons - Sharing Spirituality

Mike recently gave a presentation at church about sharing our spiritual journeys. As part of the gathering, he asked me to talk about how I became more comfortable talking about spirituality with others while we were in Costa Rica. A slightly modified version of what I shared follows:

Mike has always been good about engaging in conversation with others, but I’ve tended to be much more hesitant in talking about my thoughts and feelings outside of a very small circle of family and friends, and even then I’ve often done better communicating through writing than talking face to face. For the most part, I have lived a pretty sheltered life surrounded by other Christian Scientists. So, interacting with people in Costa Rica whose faith practices are so different from my own was a good stretch for me.

Every week Mike held “Prayer and Share” meetings at Rio Shanti, a colorful house turned into a yoga studio and boutique. Rio Shanti means, “River of Peace,” and it is one of my favorite places in Monteverde…one of my favorite places anywhere.

One of the first things I did at Rio Shanti was attend an I-Ching circle. I had no idea what an I-Ching circle was, but it was free and a way to meet other people who spoke English. I soon learned that I-Ching is one of the oldest wisdom teachings. We’d sit in a circle, individually think of a question or challenge in our lives, and then draw an I-Ching card (kind of like someone might open the Bible to a random verse when looking for an answer). We’d each read our card and talk together about how it applied to what we were thinking about. There was often wonderful synchronicity. The card I drew in thinking about this presentation is an example: “#44 High Connections: Make connections that are good for you. Give the power to your higher nature and abide by the choice. Bring light and healing to all of you. Unite with the highest in others and the highest in your circumstances.” Theo, the creator of the cards, was a great facilitator. He always seemed to know when I had something to say but was being hesitant. Through these circles, I began to develop the confidence to talk about my thoughts and things that are important to me spiritually. For many of the participants, the discussion had little to do with religious faith. But God is very much a part of how I think, and eventually, when talking about my own experience, I found that I was able to bring God into the conversation in a way that felt very natural and that people respected and appreciated.

At Rio Shanti, I also enjoyed attending “Peace Pilgrim” discussions, a few mediation sessions, my first yoga classes, an “Inner Peace” circle, and a presentation on Ken Wilber’s “Integral Philosophy.” I may not have learned much Spanish in Costa Rica, but I did begin to broaden my knowledge of the language of contemporary spirituality. In the gentle, open atmosphere of Rio Shanti, I found the courage to step out of my comfort zone and try new things…including talking about and from my heart.

I have to confess that, as much as I liked any excuse to go to Rio Shanti, at first I wasn’t very supportive of Mike’s “Prayer and Share” meetings. I was learning to talk about God, but reading from the Bible and Science and Health and talking about spiritual healing was another story. I think I was afraid of turning off the new friends we were making. I didn’t want to be seen as pushy.

However, this began to change for me at one meeting where our friend Alberto talked about how cool it is that there are so many different religions and ways to worship God—structured services for those who like to know what’s coming, silent gatherings like Quaker Meetings, large contemporary services with rock bands and charismatic preachers, groups that share dancing, singing, meditation. There’s something for almost everyone. He also commented on how much God must enjoy being worshipped is so many different ways.

His thoughts made an impression on me. As I sat there looking at the beauty around me, I began comparing this diversity of worship to the amazing biodiversity in the Costa Rican rainforests and imaging God being just as delighted by the world’s diversity of religions and faith practices as we are by the diversity of wildlife—the hundreds of different orchids, insects, or birds found in the cloud forest.

I began to wonder, “If God loves all these different forms of worship, how can I say that my religion is better than another or is truly “the” way?” In nature, “absolute truth” for one animal (i.e. what it needs to not only survive but thrive) is very different from the needs or “absolute truth” of another. Is it same for us in our search to understand God? I began wondering if in our convictions about our own faith, we sometimes try to take fish out of water in relating to others. Had I been trying to “impart” my faith as salvation, rather than simply sharing it through my own story?

I can’t say that I have answers but realizing that my faith practices are just one example of God-blessed spiritual diversity (something to celebrate) has really helped set the tone for talking about my religious convictions with others. It has helped me be less judgmental and has also given me confidence in telling other Christian Scientists about some of the non-traditional things my own church is doing.

So if you’re uncomfortable talking about your thoughts and life (let alone your spirituality) with others, I encourage you to start simply. Invite a new friend to Starbucks and just talk about your family. Maybe join a book discussion group, or try sharing a thought or two at church services. Take a baby step. It might be the beginning of a wonderful journey.

Costa Rica Lessons - Experiencing Versus Accomplishing

(Today we will have been back from Costa Rica for a year, and I realized it has been even longer since I’ve written anything about our time there…partially because it has taken that long to distill some of the lessons learned, Hopefully, bit by bit, they’ll make their way onto the page. Someone recently asked why life seems slower-paced in many Latin American countries. Thinking about that question helped bring the following thoughts into focus. )

At the first gathering of international families at the Cloud Forest School (i.e. those of us from the USA), we were given packets to help orient us to the school and community. But perhaps the most useful information shared was a piece of advice, “Don’t expect too much. Be content if you only accomplish one thing each day.” Not an easy frame of mind to adopt for those of us who delight in crossings things off our “to do” lists. There were many luxuries we didn’t have--a car, hot water in the kitchen, reliable internet, or at first even a dryer. Yet, at that point, little did I imagine that this “one thing” would sometimes simply be having clean dry clothes for the next day or all the ingredients for the evening meal. At first, I don’t know which was harder, walking uphill for 25 minutes carrying a backpack of groceries, or accepting this feat as my major accomplishment for the day.

Things move more slowly in Costa Rica. “Tico time” (i.e. people being little late) isn’t a slur but a simple fact of life. And it could be argued that there aren’t as many things to do in Monteverde as in a big city. However, it occurs to me that what ultimately makes life feel simpler and slower paced there is an attitude. People seem to be much more interested in experiencing life than in getting places or accomplishing things. There is one main road that leads everywhere. Michael said that traveling down this road was his definition of being online in Monteverde. He was much more likely to connect with people he needed to talk to while walking somewhere than by trying to reach them by phone or email. For us, “Tico time” came to mean leaving early for activities so we’d have time to stop and talk to people along the way…or maybe pause awhile to admire a rainbow or watch some monkeys.

It took us awhile to adjust our paradigms and values to not measure a day by things accomplished. The saying, “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today” doesn’t totally ring true to me anymore, but rather, “Be willing to put off until tomorrow what you had planned to do today if circumstances or inspiration call you elsewhere. Be willing to let go of a sense of urgency about getting things done and enjoy the people who cross your path, pause to dig deeper into the inspirations that come, appreciate the beauty around you.”

I had an opportunity to bring this lesson home this winter and spring when Bogie, our golden retriever was ill. Because of health challenges, he wasn’t very mobile, so I spent many hours sitting by his side reading, thinking, praying, or simply playing card games on my computer. But had I not slowed down…postponing the house cleaning and dishes occasionally, leaving the laundry in the basket for yet another day, or choosing his company over going out and doing something else…I would have missed a lot. I might never have realized how courageous he was, how much joy and peace he radiated, how unbothered he was by what was going on with his body. I learned a lot from him during his last months with us; we both experienced a lot of life.

And that’s what I want to keep doing…experiencing life. Yes, sometimes we need to accomplish things, but I hope I remember to put first things first whenever possible…to take time to watch a sunset, pet a dog, enjoy my family and friends, or strike up a conversation with a stranger. This is, as they say in Costa Rica, “Pura vida!” (pure life).

Happiness is...Feeling Home

Mike and I had just talked to his brother and then my sister on SKYPE. Sabores (it means “flavors”), the nearby ice cream parlor, recently got high speed internet, which makes a long distance computer call only a chocolate covered “monkey” banana away (only 60 cents and a five minute stroll), rather than a mile walk. The restaurant had closed at 8:00, but they kindly leave the internet on and a bench outside until they finish cleaning up for the night. It was beginning to get a little chilly so, I decided to head home while Mike finished talking to his mom. As I turned to leave, it hit me. Happiness! For perhaps the first time, just being here felt like fun…felt like home. The glow from the stars and street lights felt warm and friendly as I walked back to our house.

This morning as I followed the same road to drop off trash for pickup, I decided that today is the first day of spring…not just for Monteverde, but for my heart. Outside, the air is warm and fragrant, the sky a bright cloudless blue. The strong wind we’ve had for weeks is a whispering breeze, and bird and bug voices delight my ears with their cheery abundance.

It has taken almost seven months to get to this point where our little neighborhood in Costa Rica feels like home…not just a place to stay while we are away from home for a year. I think “the winter of discontent” is behind me.

I was ill for most of November and December, so I spent a lot of time at home. I missed the little comforts I might normally enjoy if not feeling well in the U.S.—long hot baths, “soul” food…the neighborhood grocery store didn’t even have Kleenex. Whenever the slightest thing went wrong, I found myself mentally sighing (or sometimes silently screaming), “I want to go home.” During one of my many praying/thinking times, it suddenly hit me that I was using this phrase like a swear word. I might just as well have been saying the “F-word” to life. So I decided to stop. I didn’t really want to go home. Gratefully it didn’t take long to remove the words from my vocabulary, and it really began to make a difference in how I felt about our time here.

Actually, even though I was under the weather, the holidays were quite pleasant. We had a couple of students over for Thanksgiving dinner and shared platefuls of food with several other people. We even found a turkey for the meat eaters. Mike and Heidi unexpectedly found a lovely Christmas tree in town the next day and carried it a mile uphill. Heidi cut out paper snowflakes galore to hang from our ceiling and even strung popcorn for the tree. We had a mid-December trip to the beach. And even though we weren’t all together for Christmas itself (Mike and Lincoln were in St. Louis), it wasn’t a lonely time. Heidi’s friend Blair and her family arrived for a week in Costa Rica on December 25th, and she and I had a nice visit with them.

In early January, Heidi and I spent four nights in Granada, Nicaragua. (Costa Rica requires tourists to leave the country every 90 days for at least 72 hours.) Here, I was once again reminded that happiness isn’t found in possessions or comfort. We spent a day touring regional sights and enjoyed talking at lunch with our guide. A few years ago, he had returned to Granada from the United States where he was working construction, to an income in Granada of only $175 a month, because he didn’t like working 70 hours a week just to buy things that didn’t really make him happy.

As with our fall trip to Nicaragua, we saw people living in sheds that in the US wouldn’t be considered worthy lodging for a lawnmower. I saw a “sister” washing laundry in a cistern. No one (not even our hotel) has hot showers. But people seemed happy.

Riding the bus back to Monteverde, it occurred to me that, if we didn’t have family to think about and had a way to generate income, I’d consider starting a new life in Monteverde. We definitely aren’t going to stay in Costa Rica (I’ve since bought plane tickets to St. Louis for early June), but considering Monteverde to have “home” potential was a BIG step for me. In fact, I referred to our return trip to Monteverde as “going home.”

January was also a prayer-filled time. I began thinking a lot about what it meant for the kingdom of heaven to be within and at hand. But I still found myself searching for happiness. My “Happiness is…” Facebook status postings the past week and a half, have been as much about seeking happiness as celebrating it. I’d written them because I was feeling a bit down and know that seeking and being grateful for the good in our lives helps us feel God’s presence. So, I shouldn’t have been surprised last night to feel a spark of true simple happiness, but I was. I was equally delighted to feel it walking down our lane again this morning. And I think, that for the most part, the feeling, like the lovely weather outside, is here to stay.

Happiness is…here, at hand, within. It is feeling God’s gentle, tender care…feeling home.

Laundry...the Story of my Life

I remember writing a friend one Saturday afternoon last year and, with a sigh, calling laundry “the story of my life.” She knew my weekend missives all too well: “Hi there, I’m just taking a break from folding laundry...(chit chat)…Well, I better get back to the basket of darks. With love, Maria.”

After a few weeks of living in Costa Rica, I realized how hard it would be if I had to work full time and live here in Monteverde—it takes time to walk everywhere and do so many more things manually. Many things (such as appliances and packaged foods) that I used to consider necessities or staples in the States are uncommon here. It dawned on me more clearly than ever before how on one hand, I worked to be able to purchase these various conveniences, but on the other hand, it was those very things which, in many ways, made it possible for me to work and still have time for other activities…including sleep.

Laundry is a good example. In St. Louis, I would often start a load of laundry in the washing machine before going to work in the morning, toss it into the dryer at lunchtime, and then some time in the evening carefully lay it in a laundry basket to be folded and put away on the weekend.

Typical Costa Rican washers aren’t automatic. You have to manually turn the water on and off, flip a switch to drain the water after each cycle, put the laundry in a separate tub to spin the water out (like the swimsuit dryers at recreation centers), and then hang the laundry on the clothesline, turning it upside down and back and forth throughout the morning trying to get it dry before the first rain shower of the day. Fortunately we also have a covered porch where we can continue the drying process if needed. Most people living in Costa Rica don’t have dryers—the cost of electricity is prohibitive. If you do have one, you try to dry the clothes after 8 p.m. when the price of electricity is less and then only use it if, after a day or two on the clothesline, your towels and jeans still aren’t dry. Right now the spinner on our washer isn’t working, but I ceased complaining about having to wring out laundry by hand (it’s a good way to strengthen arm muscles) after a trip to Nicaragua the first weekend in October.

Since we are here on tourist visas, we have to leave the country for 72 hours every 90 days. We left the house at 4:00 Thursday morning to catch the bus to Nicaragua. It was the first time we had ventured to a third world country. The point of entry area was surrounded by people selling inexpensive food, hammocks, and pirated DVD’s, as well as children, the elderly, and handicapped begging for money. Their persistent requests as we waited in line for customs were difficult to handle emotionally, and we wished we had brought more coins or small bills to share.

Not too far from the border, we took a ferry across Lake Nicaragua (the 11th largest lake in the world) to the Island of Ometepe. 40,000 people live on the island which is laid out like a figure eight around two volcanoes. Our hostess at the hotel told us that the people on the island are cash poor but not hungry. Families are able to grow fruits and vegetables and have animals for eggs, milk, and meat. But, very few jobs are available, and those people who have them don’t earn much. Apparently the average annual (yes annual) income in Nicaragua is $600 (as compared to $500 a month in Costa Rica). Nicaraguans will work 10-12 hour days, 6 days a week, for eight and a half cents an hour. Yet, our experience showed that these are kind and happy people.

On Friday, a taxi driver took us around the island in his beat up jeep showing us the sites and waiting while we swam on various Ozark-like beaches. Years from now, however, it’s not the beaches I’ll remember but the slices of life we saw driving from place to place—the groups of children walking to and from school, the young men (some just boys) herding cows down the street on bicycles or scrawny ponies, the oxcarts hauling firewood (while most houses have electricity, it is only for lights; most people still use wood stoves for cooking), pigs and chickens everywhere (including in the living rooms of houses—all of which had their doors open for ventilation on the very warm afternoon), and, perhaps most moving to me, the women up to their waists in water washing laundry by hand in the river or lake.

We returned from Nicaragua on Sunday, and the following Friday, Heidi and I made a trip to the United States. While in St. Louis, I enjoyed being with family and friends, but I often felt frenzied and ungrounded as I did endless errands. I had quite a long list of things to buy, not only for ourselves, but for others too—a list that took me to two different malls, three groceries stores, Toys R Us, Alpine Shop, Sports Authority, Home Depot, Target, Blockbuster Video, Petsmart, our vet, and the new Walmart SuperCenter. Talk about culture shock! I think every square foot of retail space in the Santa Elena/Monteverde area could fit inside the Walmart…twice over.

The contrast between Nicaragua and West County St. Louis was arresting and further stirred paradigms had been struggling with for quite a while. Even though I feel our family’s year in Costa Rica is God-impelled, I don’t think a week has gone by since the idea surfaced when I haven’t wrestled with feeling a bit guilty (OK sometimes very guilty…and concerned) about spending our savings on this experience. (We may be helping our kids pay back college loans for a long time.) However, after our time in Nicaragua, I was even more keenly aware that simply being able to make the choice to be here (a choice on how we spend our money) is in itself a luxury.

I don’t have all (in fact hardly any) of the answers yet, but gratefully I’m beginning to work through some of the issues swirling in thought and reconnect with an inner peace. I have a rekindled faith that moment by moment God will show us how “to be,” how to live with integrity and love.

My “sisters” scrubbing clothes in Lake Nicaragua are never far from thought as I do my daily chores. Next time you do laundry, think of the women (and men) all over the world in lakes, rivers, laundromats, houses, and apartments who, whatever their lot, are doing their best to live not only with clean clothes but, perhaps more importantly, with joy and grace. This new sense of universal sister/brotherhood means a lot to me today and gives me hope.

Happy washing!